It’d be a cold day in hell before I’d allow my acidic cynicism to ruin the joy that Clifford the Big Red Dog brings into the lives of children the world over – indeed, PBS is the cosy, relatively unbiased home of a number of my favorite shows (did you hear the latest on who’s fucking who in Frontier House? No-one – they’re all starving!). But you’ve seen the pictures, the sheer scale of this benign behemoth.

A family member of this size presents major logistical issues, not least of which are the tree-trunk sized logs of shit that must appear daily on the Howard family’s lawn, or the writhing, mucousy, anaconda-like worms ol’ Cliff must leave behind while scooting along the tattered remains of the living room carpet.

But the real issue is none of these things. Look into the always-upturned faces of the people next time you manage to catch an episode. You know what they’re thinking – we’re all thinking it: “His wang must be HUGE“…